Thursday, January 24, 2013

From the Outside


She’s a quiet, sweet girl, I think you’ll like her; most people do.  She doesn't catch on very quickly but once she does she’ll do alright.  She has a nice family; they have some problems (but what family doesn't).  She likes to be helpful and learned a lot by watching her dad.  She loves animals and playing with her sister.
She is growing up and is getting use to her big sister avoiding her. That’s okay though, she found that exploring the woods with her brother was a lot more interesting. She has become very interested in discovering rocks and searching though abandoned houses. Someday she always thought that she would travel Egypt and work as an archaeologist.
She is coming to realize that life is not all peaches and cream.  She hides in the closet with her youngest brother.  The house is being destroyed around her. She says to her little brother, ‘Please don’t every be like him’.  She tries to shield him from the way it wasn't meant to be.  She wishes her other brother wasn't a ticking time bomb and would like to understand why.  She’s become accustom to the police being called a few times a week by now.
She doesn't seem to care anymore. She doesn't try in school and will be lucky if she passes her classes at all.  She struggles in school so she figures, ‘why even bother’.  She hardly ever spends time at home.  She has become disrespectful and started lying to her parents.  She has a boyfriend; a few by now. There’s one that she’s particularly fond of and is experimenting with sex and drugs with him.
Her dad is really sick; it’s cancer.  It seems like her family is trying to be better at being a family.  But trying only lasts for so-long.  Her brother is in and out of juvy all the time.  Her other brother has become an expert at being invisible.  Her sister is just there when she doesn't have anything better to do.  Her mom is always sleeping and she…… well she’s too busy getting high.
She is really excited.  She actually graduated High School. She and her boyfriend are getting their first place together.  It’s a good thing too.  Because, SURPRISE She’s Pregnant.  She’s a good momma and does everything right. It’s no longer about having fun and being careless; it’s about the baby.  She is becoming more and more excited about being a mommy.  Her dad is really excited about the baby too.
Her baby is born and two and a half months later her dad died. She became pregnant again when her first baby was only 9 months old.  Her mother moved away with her youngest brother.  Nobody really talks much.  Her other brother continues to be in and out of jail often.  She seems to be turning her life around.  She cares a lot about her babies.  Her boyfriend proposed, finally!
At 24 years old she and her boy-friend got married. They struggle but they somehow manage. Relations amongst her family have been on the mend for awhile now.  She likes having a relationship with her mom, sister, and brothers. She had become content with life and it is pleasantly uneventful. 
She and her husband decide to have another baby; this time planned.  She is loving life and enjoying being a wife and watching her kids grow and develop into the little people that they are today. Her life by no means is perfect.  She lost her youngest brother just a short time ago.  She struggles with all the questions that surround his death.  She will be fine.  She always is.
She is a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend.  She is Tanya Therese Clark.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Roller Coaster

As expected, coming up with the title to this blog took a significant amount of time. Once I finally came up with my title I thought, ‘For the Love of the Roller Coaster Life’ fits well, not only for me but most everyone. 

Like many others I feel my life has been one giant roller coaster. Recently, I've felt like this roller coaster I’m on has derailed, launched through the air, plummeted into the ground and shattered into a thousand pieces. My whole world, everything that has ever had any significance to me suddenly meant nothing. Total emptiness surrounded me; inside and out. 

On the morning of November 3, I was woken up to a nightmare at 3:20am, by my husband telling me, "Jonny is dead." I was unable to comprehend what he was trying to tell me at first. I found myself trying to debate with my husband that this can't be true, he can't be gone. It's impossible. I was in such horrific disbelief that my baby brother could be gone. I became numb to any and everything but the knot in the back of my throat and saddened emptiness that swelled within me. So many questions revolved in my head. I couldn’t help but think, ‘this can’t be true’, and ‘this isn’t happening’. 

So often I’ve thought and still think; ‘if I only would’ve been there’, ‘I should’ve called him’, ‘why didn’t he try to contact me’. But how was I to know, I doubt that he even knew the conclusion of that fatal night. I talked to him just 3 days earlier, he seemed to be fine.  There was no indication that anything was wrong. 

This internal battle of would’ve, should’ve, if I only… still continues and will likely for quite some time. Trying to make sense of this seems nearly impossible and pointless.  As much as I want to believe that this is all a nightmare and eventually I’ll wake up and Jonny will be over enjoying a meal with me and my family, I know that will never again be the case. 

 There’s a saying that many think is comforting, “Time heals all wounds”.  As thoughtful as it is for people to hear say this, it’s still hard to conceive, but I also have lost too many people to know that it’s not true.  One thing that I do find comforting at this time is doing what I can to keep the fond memories of Jonny alive.