Like many others I feel my life has been one giant roller coaster. Recently, I've felt like this roller coaster I’m on has derailed, launched through the air, plummeted into the ground and shattered into a thousand pieces. My whole world, everything that has ever had any significance to me suddenly meant nothing. Total emptiness surrounded me; inside and out.
On the morning of November 3, I was woken up to a nightmare at 3:20am, by my husband telling me, "Jonny is dead." I was unable to comprehend what he was trying to tell me at first. I found myself trying to debate with my husband that this can't be true, he can't be gone. It's impossible. I was in such horrific disbelief that my baby brother could be gone. I became numb to any and everything but the knot in the back of my throat and saddened emptiness that swelled within me. So many questions revolved in my head. I couldn’t help but think, ‘this can’t be true’, and ‘this isn’t happening’.
So often I’ve thought and still think; ‘if I only would’ve been there’, ‘I should’ve called him’, ‘why didn’t he try to contact me’. But how was I to know, I doubt that he even knew the conclusion of that fatal night. I talked to him just 3 days earlier, he seemed to be fine. There was no indication that anything was wrong.
This internal battle of would’ve, should’ve, if I only… still continues and will likely for quite some time. Trying to make sense of this seems nearly impossible and pointless. As much as I want to believe that this is all a nightmare and eventually I’ll wake up and Jonny will be over enjoying a meal with me and my family, I know that will never again be the case.
There’s a saying that many think is comforting, “Time heals all wounds”. As thoughtful as it is for people to hear say this, it’s still hard to conceive, but I also have lost too many people to know that it’s not true. One thing that I do find comforting at this time is doing what I can to keep the fond memories of Jonny alive.
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