Spanglish

Memories of you, of what I once thought of you; make me nearly resentful.  In my adolescent mind you were a caring and compassionate person, the one that would always be there for me, and the one that would always make good out of a bad situation. But I now see things differently. You could say that I had ‘eye opening’ moment. One of those moments that someone might have while taking a walk with the intent to clear their mind and begin to become aware of little things that normally go left unnoticed; the chorus of leaves rustling along the sidewalk followed by a gust of wind capable clearing weightless clouds only to expose the empowering light and enriching warmth of the sun.  Although I had one of those ‘eye opening’, I wasn’t searching for it.  My moment felt more like a ‘slap in the face’.

The television lit the dark living room alternating the light from dim to bright.  My kids and I all huddled on the couch crunching on our popcorn and covered with blankets.  Everyone’s eyes fixed on the television watching the movie, “Spanglish” with one of our favorite actors, Adam Sandler.  I watched intently as the movie unfolded.  I couldn’t help but think, ‘how could this mother be so cruel’.  She surprised her daughter with a bunch of brand new clothes and the overwhelming excitement in her daughters face quickly diminished as she tried on each article of clothing, one after another, only to find that they all were all too small. Tears swelled in the daughters eyes as her mother said to her, ‘oh honey, don’t worry they’ll all fit fine, once you lose some weight’ then left the girl standing there with piles of brand new clothes that would never be worn on the bed next to her as the over flowing tears streamed down her face.  I couldn’t help myself thinking, I had just watch a memory from my childhood.  I was that little girl and that mother was my mother (and still is).

When I think back the most vivid memory I have that relates to the movie is when I was about 12 years old.  My parents just got home from a cruise trip that they took to the Bahamas’. My brothers, sister and I were overjoyed to have them home and eagerly waiting to hear about their trip.  My parents luggage, spread out on the couches in the living room as they began to unload each one.  The first suitcase that my mom unpacked contained various souvenirs from their trip.  My siblings and I shrieked with excitement as she handed each one of us shells and shirts.  I knew just by looking at it that it wouldn’t fit; my mom was convinced otherwise. Reluctantly I tried it on.  Just as I thought it was nearly skin tight.  My mom tugged on the shirt, “don’t worry honey, you’ll lose the weight and it will fit just fine”.  That line of hers echoed throughout the years.  At that time I interpreted this famous quote of hers as reassurance and encouragement.  But now I know better.  I see things very differently through adult eyes.

My mother has randomly made comments to me about how fat people are and if she notices that someone has gained weight.  I hear these comments that she so casually makes and although I know that she is not directing them to me (at that time) I just want to unravel on her.  I think how could she talk so negatively about these people and be so hurtful.  I’m sure that she says the exact same things about me to other people.  Once I overheard her talking on the phone, going on and on about how she gave her granddaughter some clothes and the clothes were too small.  Many times she still makes comments that I now see as degrading.  She still buys me clothes that are eventually returned to the store because they are too small and I’m not willing to keep them around till I lose the weight.  

As much as I try to just blow off her comments and protect my daughter my mom still strikes my nerves. I just have come to the conclusion that I will never meet up to her expectations and unless I lose the weight she will never truly be proud of who I am and my accomplishments.  I will forever be a fat disappointment in her eyes.